Extremely Perishable

I am living like a slob. I've been living like a slob for the past 2 weeks. O...and personal hygiene?...it's hanging on by a thread. I work out every day...and when I get home I have a mountain of things to do...you can't blame me for that.

I need this weekend so badly. Yeah...I need to take a fucking shower but it's mainly about the sleep and being able to just chill - not have to run around. The thing is...the weekends go by so fast now. Tomorrow I'm working the football game for 4 hours, which really makes me wanna kill somebody, but I can't get out of it. And I have a pretty vicious math paper that needs to be finished by Sunday night. I am not going into next week tired again.

I've been moody lately. Technically, I'm always moody but I mean more so than usual. And I haven't spoken to the viper in a minute. She's away this weekend too. I told myself I wouldn't speak to her until I sent in my transfer app. Anyway. Good thing. At least this proves to her that I did the shit without her and I'm capable of making my own decisions without stooping to her level of spin. And if I get in...that'll be even better.

At this point, for the sake of my sanity - I gotta get in.

(Fiction or Fact?)
Quite honestly I don't know what to write. I'm real tired, real upset. I've been procrastinating all night with Ifilm viral video. Can't focus on papers. I can't focus on anything or anyone.

I know I'm being mean to people. I just don't care. I can't. I don't care that somebody feels they "need" me. I didn't ask for it to be that way. I put in very little effort. I showed very little interest. All I did was be humane...nice - the way it should be. But apparently this is enough to lead to some deep bond between two people - the type of deep bond which ends up being one-sided. A "The other day you tried to get my attention by screaming a nickname which was never sanctioned by me and you wondered why I didn't turn around" - type of deep bond. I even said, when you asked, that I don't answer to that name because it's not mine, regardless of whether you "gave it to [me]" or not. And then...I couldn't believe it...you said again "but we gave it to you!" - like a child. You remind me of a little kid sometimes.

It's not my job to look after you. I'm not gonna play your games where you try to subtly get my attention. Quit parading yourself around me and pouting about how I don't make time for you. There's a reason for that.

I'm going to leave you very soon and I don't feel bad about it. I wish I did.

I would like to point out that it is not Ashlee Simpson's fault that she sucks at singing. Blame it on the parents.

I hear a lot of people are getting upset over the discovery that the girl lip-syncs. Why? Of course she lip-syncs! She has a shitty voice. If you didn't realize that before...then I just don't know what to tell you.

In other news...the war between Ralph and Mother continues.

Oh...and I've done my obligatory crying for the day.

Everything is so quiet today. It's 3:30. I got up an hour and a half ago. I woke up an hour and a half before that.

I saw Spider-man 2 for the 4th time yesterday. (I saw it twice on opening day - months ago - a third time with my mom, 4th yesterday when CCinema screened it randomly.) And, no, I don't see anything wrong with that. That movie never gets old. And of course I am forced to see films like that more than once because the people who always go with me end up asking me questions or talking to me, right in the middle of a climax.

Do not talk to me when I am watching a film.

It'll probably leave a mark.

Occasionally I think about what I would be doing right now if I had a choice - but more importantly than that - if I didn't owe anyone anything and didn't have to look after anyone but myself. What would I be doing right now?

I wouldn't be here. I might not even be in college. But we deal with what we've got. We take it and run with it. And I am glad that I am receiving higher education. I'm appreciative of all that I have and all the sacrifices my family has made to allow this to happen for me. I'm just always aware that there's a wanderer in me.

There's some energy that doesn't like to stay in the same place for too long. It wants to be out in the world, free to create. College is not conducive to that kinda growth and freedom. Yeah we learn stuff about life over those 4 years but essentially we're here to facilitate a degree. College is just the bigger pen they hold you in before you are forced into the job market like the big, over-fed kid that you are. I don't care what anybody else tells you. This is it.

I have ranted sufficiently about my mother.

The woman is nice. She's nice...but still a killer cobra. I had a good time with her when I went back home for four days. I miss her good moods. And in all honesty...I'd rather be back home, to feud with her in person, than here doing it on the phone. Yeah. I wanna go home, is all.

Everytime I come back to this place from a break, the more dismal and yuck it is. I'm out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by cows and academics! I'm not down with that.

My mother is the only person I know who can apologize and make it sound like she hates you and wants to throw you down some stairs. Honestly. My mother. Often I wonder how such an idealistic, loving, cute little woman can be so bitingly cruel. The woman knows how to hurt people. She's like a viper - she just comes out of nowhere with her aggression and then, in a split second, it is gone and she's her "normal" self again.

I bring this up because it's something that, over the years, I increasingly see in myself and that is terrible. I'm trying to stunt all growth in that area. See...the woman keeps nagging me about certain things which are already weighing heavy on my mind. As if I could ever forget them. These are important things that I go to sleep thinking about and wake up thinking about. I call my parents, sometimes for support, sometimes for specific advise, but more often than not it's just because I need some familiarity - some comfort, some chat with someone who's known me my whole life. And that's it. No frills, no 20 volumes of self-help manuals. I just need your voice.

But my mother doesn't understand that. She would be insulted if I tried to explain it to her. She would be angry at me for making her feel like she's in the wrong. My mother desparately wants to be right. Where this obsession stems from, I don't know. She was nagging me about this thing that she has nagged me about so many times before...okay...I'll just say it - the whole transfer issue. She was nagging me about getting in touch with one of my teachers for a reference and I very politely (because I've learned from experience that you can't do it any other way) said to her "I know - you told me before."

Then, like the viper-woman she is, she shot back at me in a tone that I can only describe as stone-fucking-cold, "Alright then, Ralph.*" I mean...you had to hear the killer tone in her voice. I'm thousands of miles away from her and that hateful tone came through, loud and clear. And then, as usual, after a pause --- she starts talking about something else again.

She kills me. There are issues between the two of us that won't ever go away. I've known that for a long time. I don't think it ever crosses her mind. This is, most likely, a big part of the problem. But Black Mamba doesn't take criticism very well. So I don't talk to her about it.

"Mom. You and I are totally different. We've grown apart because you don't see the person who I've come to be and you don't tolerate anyone else but your own clone."

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

*mbmn.

Life is so weird. If you try to put it in perspective - if you try to understand why...it'll just blow your mind. There's too much. It's too big. You can cry so much about all the bad things and then one day will just be beautiful and you'll wonder how you ever doubted.

The bad things stick out. But the good things are so intense when they happen. Even if they are small. Today it rained and it looked like the sky had never and would never again exist. But, around 6, the sun broke through as it was going down. And, for about 17 minutes, I saw the most beautiful world outside my window that I have ever seen. Rainbows and everything. And I just looked at it and watched it go.