Extremely Perishable

If you want shiny happy shit to read - click away now.

I'm angry.

I don't know how long the anger will last but I can't see the edge of it right now. It's all encompassing.

I discovered, recently, that someone I love - a recovering drug addict - started selling cocaine three months ago. This kid has put me through shit for years and I had to somehow take it and somehow focus on my life while he was destroying his. These recent months have been slightly sour because I began to realise that, to some extent, the kid can't change. I felt torn between caring about him, and all the bad memories, the lies, the constant trials, the pain he causes everyone around him. The way he poisons things.

The last time I saw him, we fought and he told me that I don't know how to live my life.

This is a guy who sells cocaine to other recovering addicts and lies about it.

Oh God. He lies all the time now.

And I'm so angry that I want to kill. I just want to hurt someone. I just want to inflict as much pain on someone else as I possibly can so that I can exorcise the bitterness I feel.

My college life seems meaningless to me right now.

The problems I've had with my parents, the problems they've had with each other and the problems they've had with themselves have become more complex and more entangled in my personal life than they should be. Their fourth quarter divorce, which I should not be involved in, has been finding its way to me. I hear about it all the time. One parent speaks badly of another. They both turn around and act like there isn't a storm going on outside. They tell me it's all in my head, as cars and trees fly past the window.

Or at least that's how it feels.

I was on the phone with my mom today and, after I hung up, I had to hold back tears. I can't have a simple conversation with her anymore. (And it's about much more than the fact that I don't like talking to people on the phone.) I keep thinking about how she used to be and how I don't see or hear half of that woman in her now. Like life has just worn her down and put someone in her place who can't fill the space that is left. It makes me sad to think about what is gone and it makes me sad to be on the phone with a woman who is passive and silent on the other end of the line, who no longer has much to say, who amits that her fridge is empty and has been like that for days. I don't know who she is. But the more serious problem is that neither does she.

I'd need another 4 posts to mourn my father. But I don't want to go there.

Our parents screw with us. Sometimes it's obvious and other times it's accidental, but, at a certain point, their personal dramas surface inside our own. Suddenly we can't escape and can't stop the demise of the people who were always supposed to be there, who were supposed to be able to survive anything. And it's scary ... I can't do anything to help them

I got an email from a friend, the other day, who lives abroad, and it became clear that she still hangs out with a group of women who I do not like. I was trying to think of a euphemism, but one didn't come; I just don't like them. In fact, one of them inspires a petty hatred, which I should have disgarded long ago ... say in high school ... but haven't because I didn't have the chance to get closure on the bad relationship - I never got to tell the bitch exactly what I thought of her (flat) ass.

And it's kind of too late to do that shit, now that 4 years have passed.

Here's the bottom line. I got treated badly, back in the day. I thought it came along with the territory - me being an imaginative, layered personality, inherently different and a little too ashamed of this fact. Looking back, however, I'm just disgusted. These girls ended up throwing me away. I remember moments when they made me feel like I didn't even exist. There were other times when I felt like the court jester. I just never seemed to matter to them. They patronized me. They laughed at me. They fucked with my head.

And I didn't call them on it.

Big mistake.

Now, I can't stand hearing from my good friend, when she talks about them. Now, the thought of visiting annoys me, because I know I'll be forced to associate with these kids whom I don't like.

I thought college might help to disperse these girls and dissolve some of the friendships. But, once again - WRONG. "Guess what ... I went and had lunch with X, Y and Z, today! weeeee!" I paraphrase. Lunch is cosy. Lunch is familiar. Lunch is I-love-you-you-rock-you-are-my-girl-for-life.

Somebody hand me the loaded gun.

It feels like betrayal. Knowing they're out there lunching and talking about fucking Plato or whatever. But it's not. And I know that.

It's just what happens when your friends are friends with your enemies.

The New York School fucked me over on housing for next year. I'm going to be living in Kips Bay.

KIPS BAY!

I'm not happy about this. I can't afford to freak out about it though. There are too many other things going on in life and I have no control over this situation. It can't be changed. And if it can't be changed, it's not worth my time crying about it.

Living in Kips Bay ain't the end of the world. Just the end of life in the East Village.

Over the past couple of weeks people have asked me, "why do you love New York so much?" And I can't give them the answer. Because anyone who loves New York as much as I do would already know ... this is a love that you can't put into a few sentences. Anyone who loves New York as much as I do, who could ever conceivably understand any attempt at an answer, would never ask the question in the first place.

I went to Washington D.C. this weekend to visit family and be there for the Cherry Blossom Festival. And I contemplated what my life would be like there, if that is where my career takes me. I decided that I could make peace with it, if I had to. I thought about the things I could grow to love just as much as, or more than, the aspects of New York that have always had a hold on me. D. C. is pretty cool. I like it. It's a different part of the world. I thought to myself , "I could get used to this place."

But, on my trip back, as the New York City skyline rose up into view, the bus rolling along the Jersey shore, I knew.

I'm hooked. It's hopeless. This city has got me.

It's a strange love.

This could've been about my food issues. You could've read all about how I've spent the past 3 days stuffing my face with cheese cake and burritos and how that pisses me off. But as I was writing that one ... I got distracted.

Now, I could be wrong but I get the feeling that one of my friends likes me, and by "likes me" I mean in more than a friendly way. I started to notice him acting strangely around me - looking at me or sometimes not looking at me, in general being more polite than he needs to be, when I'm around. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. So I'm in the middle of my rant about the food issue and then I start to hear lip smacking and sucking and shit.

The boy is outside MY door, straddling his GIRLFRIEND, making out with her. In plain fucking view.

"O no you did not."

I'm laughing because, if this is supposed to make me jealous, it's not working. True - I don't want to witness this, it's kind of pissing me off, but this is more because I can see through it and I know it's a ploy for my attention. In no way do I wanna hit that. Not my type. I like mine a little more thugged out.

I guess he started to become self-concious about his little stageshow cause I hear his girl asking him what's wrong and, seconds later, they move the party somewhere else. Good thing too, cause I was about to slam the door on them. Those games are meant for high school. If he would just talk to me and tell me what's up we could all relax.