Extremely Perishable

(The Holy Day)
My parents hooked me up, this year. My dad got me one of those mini iPod things. Now...I know for a fact that this is mainly because he was getting my brother one and he wanted to be fair and even with the gifting...but still. I can't believe he got me one. I'm damn lucky. That's love and big-time generosity. The fam doesn't have a whole lot of extra money to blow on random stuff.

No doubt - I'm thankful for my gifts this year but, as I said before, I'm not real high on Christmas anymore. It should rightly be about religion. I don't like being consumed with presents and who-got-what and how-many-of-this, how-much-of-that and what-do-I-get-this-person? The most enjoyable parts of the celebration for me were getting a couple of calls from my girlfriends, having people enjoy the cake I baked, watching Joduh rip music and watching "When Harry Met Sally" with my grandfather. It almost felt like a regular day...something I've never experienced before. And there were very few arguments.

I could go for a good Christmas screw, tho. Bring out the mistletoe and some hot boys. (Laughable concept, I know.) Will the Village help this situation? Fuck...I'm not gonna get my hopes up. 2 years ago...been there. Truthfully tho - I like to joke about getting zero nookie but it's not a real anxiety - not something that greatly disturbs my peace of mind. It just makes my body go crazy. I need to get my shit together in other parts of life and focus on the upcoming changes. I'm going into 2005 blindfolded again.

I'm looking forward to spending some time in this city by myself. God bless New York, the troops, the people I psycho-love and Audrey, who is very sick and far too close to going home.

I'm so tired. More stuff to do tomorrow. All I want to do is sleep. For 24 hours. But I can't.

I've come to the conclusion that Christmas, in general, sucks. I understand the religious aspect of it and have a lot of respect and reverence for that...but the rest of the holiday celebration is an unholy piece of shit. It all seems so fake to me. It's sad that we've been building this fake holiday up for years and years. It's a trashy holiday. We've cheapened it by making it shiny and sparkly and peddling the shit out of it on street corners and in claustrophobic department stores. Everyone buys into it. My mom...the biggest Christmas sucker of all - she buys into it. She's the one who actually, physically swoons when she hears Christmas songs. She thinks that if things aren't right the rest of the year...they're sure to come together on December 25th!

Yeah, well...this year, on December 25th, a few boys and girls, will probably be blown up in Iraq. Christmas Spirit? Eh...forgive me if I don't give a shit. I'll celebrate the birth of Jesus and I will pray for this flaming shit-ball of a planet to get better - but I'm not gonna play cute with the relatives and run around buying every bright, glowing thing I see in a store window or wear stupid holiday clothes and act like a fool. It's just not me. I'm over it. I'm over the commercial blitz and the consumer feasting. I just don't like Christmas anymore. And while we're at it...Fuck Hanukkah too.

Damn. I've had a fucked up two weeks.

I've never spilled so many emotions on myself before...or on other people. No dignity anymore. I've been thinking crazily too. I can't explain it.

So I'm transferring out and after Christmas dries up - I'm at a new college, doing the fucking thing all over again. Do I take an extra painkiller or not? Yes - that has a hidden meaning. And I don't mean killing myself, dunce.

To answer some questions I've had lately:

Ralph is not the name on my birth certificate. It is, however, in more ways than one - an accurate representation of who I am. "Ralph" is a person I "met" as a child and I feel like we share the same soul. Deep huh? Well, whatever.

I added comment just because. If I get a lot of shit...I'll turn it off.

First of all I have to mention that I'm a little pissed that I can't change the color of this new template.

In other news - I got into that college in NY. This is big. BIG big. I don't really know how to feel about it or how to approach telling people around me that I'm not coming back here next semester - that I'm going somewhere else.

I've also been so sure of my desire to get out of here and I've struggled for it for so long that now that the opportunity is here - I don't know what to do with it. Except take it. Maybe in another situation I would feel excited. But my life has been a continual chain of comings and goings, false starts and successive runnings of the gauntlet - I can't remember the last time things were easy - when I wasn't in the middle of some huge transition. I'm always up in the air...my life with me. I'm not naive about this move. I expect it to be hard.

But, damn it...at least I'll be in the City of New York. That alone, makes me feel "alright."

I just completed my theatre course. We had our last class today - our final showcase of the scenes we had been working on. And now...release. After you've done it, struggled, forced your way through it, done what's necessary to nail your part and you finish - you end up missing it. It's over. There's nothing like the end of a show and there's nothing else out there like performing. Like acting. It is a genuine art. It's demanding and maddening and so worthwhile. It blows my mind.

I came out of the theatre arts center and I couldn't stop smiling. And at the same time I felt a great loss. I love it. I love my acting instructor. I can't believe I've been able to have people like that in my life - even superficially. I loved every second of the class and I'm going to keep going with it, if and when I can.

Thank you Laurence Drozd.