Extremely Perishable

Just like the Titanic, my virginity and acid-wash jeans.

I Told You I Had Issues

November 29, 2004
There are times when I see myself as such and asshole...for having negative thoughts and pitying myself and closing myself off - getting angry. Maybe everyone has an inner asshole. Or maybe that's just me trying to rationalize mine.

People don't trust me sometimes when I say this - but I'm an angry person. Not outwardly. Angry on the inside. I've been this way for, well...a long time. I remember feeling angry a lot as a kid. I'm angry right now. It doesn't matter why. It's just there. I'm just really good at covering it and keeping it down and letting other emotions come through. I'm not hiding a personality. I'm not walking around pretending to be something I'm not - but I am covering the less pretty parts of myself. And fuck...it's for everyone else's good. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. People see me as a laid back person. I am. Laid back. But I also have an undertow of crazy fucked-up-ness that really wants to get out and rage.

These last few weeks have been kind of miserable in some ways. I try to wake up every day and feel happy about being alive...here, but I just feel sick. I don't feel like I'm doing anything or learning anything. I feel like I'm wasting my time and, up until recently, I thought that had everything to do with being out here in the boondocks. Lately I've been wondering if it's just me. I'm plateauing as an athelete - which makes me angry. I'm sick of classes. I'm sick of being chill. Sometimes I just want to beat people up.

See. There's the asshole.

The Princess Diaries

November 21, 2004
I had an experience last night which made me realize how important it is for a man to respect a woman. I've never been into the whole "treat me like your queen" shit but there are a lot of men out there whose natural tendencies are towards treating women like tools for sex - like dolls - like we don't have any dignity. And women have become to used to this role. Even I, miss neo-womanist, have become used to this role. I caught myself - I just thought, "hold up...what the fuck am I doing? why am I tryin to please this boy...I don't even know him - I'm not gonna give a shit about him when I sober up." So I just stopped.

So. If there were a man who wanted to treat me like a princess, even though that stuff makes me feel weird, I wouldn't say no to it.

This Contains Adult Content

November 15, 2004
I don't mind saying this. I am seriously sexually frustrated right now.

I want a boyfriend...but more importantly, I need somebody to have fun with, not necessarily with the extra stuff that comes with a relationship. If I met someone who I actually wanted to be serious with - that would be great. But given my track record...this is not likely to happen soon. Naturally, I want to find that person who lights me up. Subconsciously I think everyone is looking for that but, I mean, come on... I've gotten to the point where my father (who used to threaten to bat boys away with a club) seems to be encouraging me to 'put myself out there.' And you know what - I'm not even embarrassed by it. The fact that I am single is such a given now. It's expected. Nobody cares and I don't even care. But my body does. Seriously. The basic instinct in me wants...what it wants. That's something I can't ignore.

I'm not the most simple girl out there but I'm not crazy. I'm not difficult, unbearable to be around. I don't have three heads. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Why is everyone else in a relationship or hooking up 24/7, while I get nothing...if I'm lucky - mild flirtation.

And this mild flirtation? It's always with the guys who are already dating someone. A guy at work flirts with me pretty obviously but...girlfriend. (Not that I would hit that if he were single - but it's the principle!) Then there's the infamous older guy who I spent much of last year dying over. Of course, he had a girlfriend and of course he flirted with me and made me crazy. (His name is Ben and I hate him now. Fuck it if he sees this. I'm past giving a shit.)

I guess I'm just sick of living without relief. It's not just me being stupid and whiny about not having a boyfriend because I want to be like everybody else or because I think being alone is bad. I've enjoyed being alone. I've had the freedom to be completely selfish and learn things about myself without worrying about somebody else who is connected to me. There are wonderful, invaluable aspects of being alone that I am grateful for, but it is time for me to be learning about how to share myself with another person - something I've never done before. I also (and, for real, this is the more immediate concern) need someone, who I'm actually attracted to, who can help me with my physical cravings...otherwise I'm gonna explode.

Yeah. I'm "horny." That's a stupid word for it, but so what? That's what I am. I'm also tired. So for now...I'm gonna go to bed and fantasize about all the sex that I'm not having right now.

Things That Just Don't Make Sense

November 08, 2004
The list - in order of importance:

Bush winning the 2004 presidential election.

The fact that, right now...it is snowing. (Damn this place.)

That the editors of the Sun messed up another one of my articles.

Thin girls ruling the world.

Buzz Rodell. Buzz Rodell does not make sense.

That it's my birthday and I'm still alive.

The Ring 2

That the majority of Americans are dumb-ass people. (Though, maybe this should be at the top.)


The Darkest Day of the Year

November 03, 2004
I'm at a loss.

Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?

I won't be able to talk about this for several days.

Tuesdays Never Were Any Good

November 02, 2004
It was a strange-ass day. That's all that can really be said.

As usual it was raining piss this morning and the sky was gray. I walked down the theatre arts building with the talkative, just-a-little-too-cheery-for-her-own-good friend. On the way there, I caught sight of two girls whom I kicked to the curb last year (touchy subject which I don't want to talk about). I almost missed them because I was kinda looking at my feet as we were moving along and my friend was talking, and it was lightly raining and, well- I was trying to shield myself from the noise and the world assaulting my senses...know what I mean. But I'm walking and I eventually see them when they're right up on me. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-bitch. They obviously saw me long before I saw them and awkwardly averted their eyes at the last moment. It was funny. I don't see them much anymore. Good for all three of us.

About an hour ago, downstairs, in the blackbox there was a group of people rehearsing the most painful rendition of Oedipus Rex that I have ever witnessed. I'm so lucky to be in an acting course with students who are so talented. I'd hate to be among these guys. (I guess this is why they made us audition to get in - to weed out the unaccomplished.) Acting isn't easy but I feel personally insulted, for some reason, when I see people fucking up a good play. They were messing with Oedipus! It was dull, dull, dull, dull. These kids were speaking their lines like robots. Nobody had any character - I mean that in a literal sense. They didn't invest anything in the lines. They just blurted them out, prettily.

Sophocles isn't pretty. People make the same mistake with Shakespeare. The story is about a man whose parents leave him on a mountain to die, he grows up, has sex with his own mother, murders his father and then plucks his own eyes out of their sockets. It's not a pretty play. It deserves actors who can mine the darkness. Yet, as I stopped there and watched these kids with their pretty acting all I could do was squirm. They were messing up Sophocles, damnit! It just made me mad. I can't help it. I walked away gritting my teeth and shaking my head. It's been a long day and there's nothing to inspire me.

Today was, of course, voting day and I was ready to go...all except for the fact that they didn't send me my absentee ballot. I went to the polling place anyway thinking that they might be able to give me a provisional ballot or something like that. I mean - that makes sense to me. That way, I don't get deprived because of a shitty system.

The woman there said I couldn't vote. Period.

Obviously this pissed me off and it's pissing me off even more now because, after getting home, I heard them say on the news that people whose ballots didn't come in the mail were able to vote through other emergency means - provisional ballots. O...and the other thing that pisses me off is that Bush is ahead.

It's typical though, that the people here manning the polls don't know what the fuck they're doing. None of them could've given me the right information because this place is so out of the loop.

This brings to my thrice-weekly affirmation - I gotta get out of this place.