This Contains Adult Content
I don't mind saying this. I am seriously sexually frustrated right now.
I want a boyfriend...but more importantly, I need somebody to have fun with, not necessarily with the extra stuff that comes with a relationship. If I met someone who I actually wanted to be serious with - that would be great. But given my track record...this is not likely to happen soon. Naturally, I want to find that person who lights me up. Subconsciously I think everyone is looking for that but, I mean, come on... I've gotten to the point where my father (who used to threaten to bat boys away with a club) seems to be encouraging me to 'put myself out there.' And you know what - I'm not even embarrassed by it. The fact that I am single is such a given now. It's expected. Nobody cares and I don't even care. But my body does. Seriously. The basic instinct in me wants...what it wants. That's something I can't ignore.
I'm not the most simple girl out there but I'm not crazy. I'm not difficult, unbearable to be around. I don't have three heads. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Why is everyone else in a relationship or hooking up 24/7, while I get nothing...if I'm lucky - mild flirtation.
And this mild flirtation? It's always with the guys who are already dating someone. A guy at work flirts with me pretty obviously but...girlfriend. (Not that I would hit that if he were single - but it's the principle!) Then there's the infamous older guy who I spent much of last year dying over. Of course, he had a girlfriend and of course he flirted with me and made me crazy. (His name is Ben and I hate him now. Fuck it if he sees this. I'm past giving a shit.)
I guess I'm just sick of living without relief. It's not just me being stupid and whiny about not having a boyfriend because I want to be like everybody else or because I think being alone is bad. I've enjoyed being alone. I've had the freedom to be completely selfish and learn things about myself without worrying about somebody else who is connected to me. There are wonderful, invaluable aspects of being alone that I am grateful for, but it is time for me to be learning about how to share myself with another person - something I've never done before. I also (and, for real, this is the more immediate concern) need someone, who I'm actually attracted to, who can help me with my physical cravings...otherwise I'm gonna explode.
Yeah. I'm "horny." That's a stupid word for it, but so what? That's what I am. I'm also tired. So for now...I'm gonna go to bed and fantasize about all the sex that I'm not having right now.
I want a boyfriend...but more importantly, I need somebody to have fun with, not necessarily with the extra stuff that comes with a relationship. If I met someone who I actually wanted to be serious with - that would be great. But given my track record...this is not likely to happen soon. Naturally, I want to find that person who lights me up. Subconsciously I think everyone is looking for that but, I mean, come on... I've gotten to the point where my father (who used to threaten to bat boys away with a club) seems to be encouraging me to 'put myself out there.' And you know what - I'm not even embarrassed by it. The fact that I am single is such a given now. It's expected. Nobody cares and I don't even care. But my body does. Seriously. The basic instinct in me wants...what it wants. That's something I can't ignore.
I'm not the most simple girl out there but I'm not crazy. I'm not difficult, unbearable to be around. I don't have three heads. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Why is everyone else in a relationship or hooking up 24/7, while I get nothing...if I'm lucky - mild flirtation.
And this mild flirtation? It's always with the guys who are already dating someone. A guy at work flirts with me pretty obviously but...girlfriend. (Not that I would hit that if he were single - but it's the principle!) Then there's the infamous older guy who I spent much of last year dying over. Of course, he had a girlfriend and of course he flirted with me and made me crazy. (His name is Ben and I hate him now. Fuck it if he sees this. I'm past giving a shit.)
I guess I'm just sick of living without relief. It's not just me being stupid and whiny about not having a boyfriend because I want to be like everybody else or because I think being alone is bad. I've enjoyed being alone. I've had the freedom to be completely selfish and learn things about myself without worrying about somebody else who is connected to me. There are wonderful, invaluable aspects of being alone that I am grateful for, but it is time for me to be learning about how to share myself with another person - something I've never done before. I also (and, for real, this is the more immediate concern) need someone, who I'm actually attracted to, who can help me with my physical cravings...otherwise I'm gonna explode.
Yeah. I'm "horny." That's a stupid word for it, but so what? That's what I am. I'm also tired. So for now...I'm gonna go to bed and fantasize about all the sex that I'm not having right now.
This entry was posted
on November 15, 2004 at 1:29 AM.
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