I Told You I Had Issues
There are times when I see myself as such and asshole...for having negative thoughts and pitying myself and closing myself off - getting angry. Maybe everyone has an inner asshole. Or maybe that's just me trying to rationalize mine.
People don't trust me sometimes when I say this - but I'm an angry person. Not outwardly. Angry on the inside. I've been this way for, well...a long time. I remember feeling angry a lot as a kid. I'm angry right now. It doesn't matter why. It's just there. I'm just really good at covering it and keeping it down and letting other emotions come through. I'm not hiding a personality. I'm not walking around pretending to be something I'm not - but I am covering the less pretty parts of myself. And fuck...it's for everyone else's good. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. People see me as a laid back person. I am. Laid back. But I also have an undertow of crazy fucked-up-ness that really wants to get out and rage.
These last few weeks have been kind of miserable in some ways. I try to wake up every day and feel happy about being alive...here, but I just feel sick. I don't feel like I'm doing anything or learning anything. I feel like I'm wasting my time and, up until recently, I thought that had everything to do with being out here in the boondocks. Lately I've been wondering if it's just me. I'm plateauing as an athelete - which makes me angry. I'm sick of classes. I'm sick of being chill. Sometimes I just want to beat people up.
See. There's the asshole.
People don't trust me sometimes when I say this - but I'm an angry person. Not outwardly. Angry on the inside. I've been this way for, well...a long time. I remember feeling angry a lot as a kid. I'm angry right now. It doesn't matter why. It's just there. I'm just really good at covering it and keeping it down and letting other emotions come through. I'm not hiding a personality. I'm not walking around pretending to be something I'm not - but I am covering the less pretty parts of myself. And fuck...it's for everyone else's good. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. People see me as a laid back person. I am. Laid back. But I also have an undertow of crazy fucked-up-ness that really wants to get out and rage.
These last few weeks have been kind of miserable in some ways. I try to wake up every day and feel happy about being alive...here, but I just feel sick. I don't feel like I'm doing anything or learning anything. I feel like I'm wasting my time and, up until recently, I thought that had everything to do with being out here in the boondocks. Lately I've been wondering if it's just me. I'm plateauing as an athelete - which makes me angry. I'm sick of classes. I'm sick of being chill. Sometimes I just want to beat people up.
See. There's the asshole.
This entry was posted
on November 29, 2004 at 2:00 AM.
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