The Salt Still Tastes As Strong
I got an email from a friend, the other day, who lives abroad, and it became clear that she still hangs out with a group of women who I do not like. I was trying to think of a euphemism, but one didn't come; I just don't like them. In fact, one of them inspires a petty hatred, which I should have disgarded long ago ... say in high school ... but haven't because I didn't have the chance to get closure on the bad relationship - I never got to tell the bitch exactly what I thought of her (flat) ass.
And it's kind of too late to do that shit, now that 4 years have passed.
Here's the bottom line. I got treated badly, back in the day. I thought it came along with the territory - me being an imaginative, layered personality, inherently different and a little too ashamed of this fact. Looking back, however, I'm just disgusted. These girls ended up throwing me away. I remember moments when they made me feel like I didn't even exist. There were other times when I felt like the court jester. I just never seemed to matter to them. They patronized me. They laughed at me. They fucked with my head.
And I didn't call them on it.
Big mistake.
Now, I can't stand hearing from my good friend, when she talks about them. Now, the thought of visiting annoys me, because I know I'll be forced to associate with these kids whom I don't like.
I thought college might help to disperse these girls and dissolve some of the friendships. But, once again - WRONG. "Guess what ... I went and had lunch with X, Y and Z, today! weeeee!" I paraphrase. Lunch is cosy. Lunch is familiar. Lunch is I-love-you-you-rock-you-are-my-girl-for-life.
Somebody hand me the loaded gun.
It feels like betrayal. Knowing they're out there lunching and talking about fucking Plato or whatever. But it's not. And I know that.
It's just what happens when your friends are friends with your enemies.
And it's kind of too late to do that shit, now that 4 years have passed.
Here's the bottom line. I got treated badly, back in the day. I thought it came along with the territory - me being an imaginative, layered personality, inherently different and a little too ashamed of this fact. Looking back, however, I'm just disgusted. These girls ended up throwing me away. I remember moments when they made me feel like I didn't even exist. There were other times when I felt like the court jester. I just never seemed to matter to them. They patronized me. They laughed at me. They fucked with my head.
And I didn't call them on it.
Big mistake.
Now, I can't stand hearing from my good friend, when she talks about them. Now, the thought of visiting annoys me, because I know I'll be forced to associate with these kids whom I don't like.
I thought college might help to disperse these girls and dissolve some of the friendships. But, once again - WRONG. "Guess what ... I went and had lunch with X, Y and Z, today! weeeee!" I paraphrase. Lunch is cosy. Lunch is familiar. Lunch is I-love-you-you-rock-you-are-my-girl-for-life.
Somebody hand me the loaded gun.
It feels like betrayal. Knowing they're out there lunching and talking about fucking Plato or whatever. But it's not. And I know that.
It's just what happens when your friends are friends with your enemies.
This entry was posted
on April 17, 2005 at 2:39 AM.
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