Self Esteem: Trashed
In general this was one of those "garbage disposal" weekends. I filled myself with junk. Other people filled me with junk. I just ended up feeling gross and depressed - - myself again.
I went to a graduation dinner on Saturday because my little God-sister just graduated from high school. I wore Spanx under my dress to reduce the whole bulging-stomach thing. I felt kind of like a sausage. And I started to think, "Shit, I'm already doing this and I haven't even hit 30."
The more serious damage to my psyche, however, happened later that night, in the car with my brother. I decided to go with him to a party in Connecticut, which was a terrible mistake. I could feel the dread of being stranded in the boondocks creeping up on me as soon as I got into the car. About half way through the journey, my parents called Jay, on his cell phone, to do their usual "Where are you? What are you doing?" routine, which promptly got him upset, leading to a raging tirade directed at me for not having my cell phone on (because then he could've more easily sicked them on me). But his ranting got completely out of control. There I am, sitting there, after having finished taking my mother's call, and my brother's angrily berating me, over and over ... ABOUT A DAMN PHONE.
My brother and I have had problems for a long time. Most of our lives. I try to avoid making him angry but he has a personality that likes to dominate and force all others into submission. I think he specifically likes treating me like dirt. So, no sooner had I told my brother to stop lecturing me and yelling at me, than he began to yell at me even louder (something along the lines of, "Shut the fuck up") and slammed the brakes on, which sent us skidding into the night.
And despite my womanist desire (or even my right as a decent human being) to defend myself, I ended up fading into silence for the rest of the night.
I don't even try to confront him anymore. I actually feel rotten, to my core, about the way the men in my family respond to me, and women in general. But there is nothing that I, as a girl, can do about it. It makes me feel shitty, as someone who wants so much to change the world, that my closest blood relative is so good at making me feel worthless.
On top of it all, I was roped into seeing that Heather Locklear movie instead of Howl. Depressing.
I went to a graduation dinner on Saturday because my little God-sister just graduated from high school. I wore Spanx under my dress to reduce the whole bulging-stomach thing. I felt kind of like a sausage. And I started to think, "Shit, I'm already doing this and I haven't even hit 30."
The more serious damage to my psyche, however, happened later that night, in the car with my brother. I decided to go with him to a party in Connecticut, which was a terrible mistake. I could feel the dread of being stranded in the boondocks creeping up on me as soon as I got into the car. About half way through the journey, my parents called Jay, on his cell phone, to do their usual "Where are you? What are you doing?" routine, which promptly got him upset, leading to a raging tirade directed at me for not having my cell phone on (because then he could've more easily sicked them on me). But his ranting got completely out of control. There I am, sitting there, after having finished taking my mother's call, and my brother's angrily berating me, over and over ... ABOUT A DAMN PHONE.
My brother and I have had problems for a long time. Most of our lives. I try to avoid making him angry but he has a personality that likes to dominate and force all others into submission. I think he specifically likes treating me like dirt. So, no sooner had I told my brother to stop lecturing me and yelling at me, than he began to yell at me even louder (something along the lines of, "Shut the fuck up") and slammed the brakes on, which sent us skidding into the night.
And despite my womanist desire (or even my right as a decent human being) to defend myself, I ended up fading into silence for the rest of the night.
I don't even try to confront him anymore. I actually feel rotten, to my core, about the way the men in my family respond to me, and women in general. But there is nothing that I, as a girl, can do about it. It makes me feel shitty, as someone who wants so much to change the world, that my closest blood relative is so good at making me feel worthless.
On top of it all, I was roped into seeing that Heather Locklear movie instead of Howl. Depressing.
This entry was posted
on June 20, 2005 at 1:39 AM.
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